Well, the subject for our discussion this month at our EWP Focus group was not Quantum Physics, so I smiled to myself. After all, I’ve been conversing with people for years. Many years, and so far I’ve managed reasonably well. Or so I thought. Although there was a niggling memory I had of a dear employer of mine, who always smilingly warned new employees, that I talked ‘At people, not with them’. Even when he verbalized it, I used to cringe, knowing it was true.
So given that we are living at a time, when people have never been so polarized, with points of view, I quickly realized the other night, why our discussion was about the art of conversation, and not quantum physics or anything else.
Because WE NEED TO LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER! We might think we do, but all too often, we don’t. We arrive in a conversation with our beliefs and points of view, and we leave with the same. Instead of putting our thoughts aside, all we want to do, is communicate what we already know, or believe. Usually with no thought, of learning something new and maybe contrary to our own view, from the other person. Sadly, it's quite absurd when you think about it. I mean why bother (apart from ego), when you’ve nothing new to learn. Just rehashing your same old, for the sake of it, when the reality is, talk should not be cheap.
I’ve often thought of it like this; would I waste so many words, if I knew there was a set number I’d been allocated at birth. And then, I ponder at day’s end – Oh no! How many words did I waste today?
Of course, you don’t want to stand there like a dummy saying nothing. Nor do you need to be someone’s punching bag. Conversation requires a balance of talking and listening, and if you are really listening, you will know when to contribute and when not to. And if it is not a conversation you wish to have, you can always, politely excuse yourself. And that requires courage and honesty.
Nor do you have to do all those things some ‘experts’ say you should (the eyeballing and head nodding etc),to ‘show’ you are listening. Because if you really are present and listening to your interlocuter, it is something both people sense. You can feel engagement. It’s another one of those wonderful instinctive abilities' we humans have.
Unfortunately, though, within the Western way of upbringing, most of us were taught to talk, but not to listen. Unlike in many other cultures, where listening to elders was more important than talking. As in Tisiola’s Tongan tradition, they have something called Talanoa. Tala meaning the intersection of, and Noa, coming as zero. And this is where there is a meeting of the people, and they come, listen and express their views on the subject, as equals. No hierarchy. Their individual views are expressed, heard, and discussed on a level playing field, and the outcome they strive for, is harmony. Beautiful.
How different our world would be, if we, our politicians, and young were taught to enter conversations with those views in mind. To foster a greater, respectful understanding of one another. Instead of spending billions/trillions of dollars on AI machines to learn to do what we already know how to do; but don’t do.
Communicate, through the art of conversation: Instead, our obsession with electronics, is teaching our children to act as robots, and our machines to act like humans. And sadly, both are excelling.
In between our discussions on the art of conversation, where most of us knew that listening was a very important aspect (but some of us proved we don’t even listen to basic instructions), we watched and listened to a talk by Celeste Headlee, who over the decades as a radio host has had the opportunity to interview hundreds of people, from all walks of life, and she shared ten useful points that she considers go toward having better conversations:
· Be present. Don’t multitask. Don’t be half in, half out of a conversation.
· Don’t pontificate.
· Ask open ended questions. Who, when, why, how etc
· Go with the flow. Let your incoming thoughts flow out. Let them go.
· Don’t know. Say you don’t know.
· Don’t equate your experience to theirs. They are never the same.
· Don’t repeat yourself.
· Forget the details. People are interested in you and the story - not all the minute details.
· Listen. Listen. Listen.
· Be brief. Be interested in other people. AND, always - be prepared to be AMAZED!
These 'simple' tasks for effectively conversing, are so important. Especially now, at this time in history, with so much to repair. Because if we can’t get this right, what hope do we have? We have everything to lose if we don't, and everything to gain if we do. And we can, teach ourselves to listen with our hearts and ears to one another, if we genuinely want to understand, appreciate and live in harmony.
At the beginning of the evening I thought I had hitherto managed reasonably well with my conversational skills, but by the end of the discussion, I knew differently: The little I did know, I didn't implement; Most of the 'don'ts' - I did; And - if I had been truly listening to the last person explaining Quantum Physics to me - I would undoubtedly have learned something. Maybe something sensational, amazing, mind-blowing - new - at the very least!
But hey, I don’t want to pontificate (I’ve done enough of that in my life), so let’s just go out there, improve our artistic skills of conversation, and be prepared, TO BE AMAZED! Not only by the stories we hear, but also by the depth of the connections our engagements will reap.
Bella h.
September 2024
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